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It’s only natural for parents to be concerned that their child will be a victim of bullying. What’s less common, yet just as important, is for parents to stay vigilant to ensure their child is not the one doing the bullying. After all, for all of those who have been bullied, there are bullies, and for these young people, parental influence and intervention can make all the difference.
But what do you do if you have a child who is bullying others? The truth is, it can be hard to know how to help a child who is lashing out at others, and it can be even harder to identify in our current era of cyberbullying.
If you are a parent asking, “Is my child a bully?”, this is the guide for you. We examine how bullying affects children, including statistics on the rates of bullying among young people today, the causes that lead a child to become a bully, and what you can do if your child is the one being bullied.
The State of Bullying in Schools Today
Rates of reported bullying are alarmingly high. According to a recent report by the National Center for Education Statistics (part of the U.S. Department of Education), one in five students reported having been bullied. This included incidents of verbal harassment (such as being made fun of, insulted, or called names), physical confrontations (including being shoved, tripped, or spit on), and incidents of intentional exclusion.
The Effects of Bullying
For obvious reasons, incidents of bullying can be harmful to young people not only in the short term but also in the long term, leading in some cases to sustained struggles with depression and anxiety. Research from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) shows that bullying impacts both victims and perpetrators throughout their lives.
Sadly, the largest number of reported incidents of bullying are for reasons related to physical appearance, race, gender, sexual orientation, and disability. Even when they only occur in passing, such incidents can be scarring for young people, with an impact that lasts far beyond the schoolyard.
Indeed, bullying has been shown to have dramatic effects on victims, including feelings of intense loneliness and alienation and lowered levels of achievement in school and extracurricular activities. The federal organization StopBullying.gov reports that those who are bullied during school are more likely to experience academic decline and exhibit higher rates of truancy and dropping out. At their most extreme, these decisions can be serious enough to permanently alter the course of a student’s life.
In fact, bullying has even been shown to cause physical health problems: a study in Pediatrics, the journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics, finds that students who are bullied report symptoms of stomachaches and headaches twice as often as those who have not reported being bullied.
Cyberbullying
Beyond the types of bullying that parents might recognize from their own experiences in childhood and adolescence, young people today are faced with the new frontier of cyberbullying, a phenomenon that has been escalating since the Internet transformed our ways of engaging one another. According to StopBullying.gov, cyberbullying is “bullying that takes place over digital devices like cell phones, computers, and tablets.”
As hard as it can be to stop in-person cases of bullying, it’s even more challenging to figure out how to stop incidents of cyberbullying. This is in part because cyberbullying often happens in digital contexts that parents, teachers, and counselors do not monitor or, in some cases, even have access to, meaning cases can go unknown for long periods of time.
Stopping Cyberbullying as a Parent: How to Identify the Signs
Though it can be extremely difficult for parents and teachers to spot incidents of cyberbullying happening in real time, experts have identified a few important warning signs that cyberbullying is taking place based on young people’s use of their devices. This can be a stealthy way for parents to gauge how their children are socializing.
Some of the major device-related warning signs of cyberbullying include the following:
- Change in the amount of phone use. This could mean a child is using their phone significantly less frequently or significantly more frequently than usual
- Hiding devices when parents or others are near
- Showing extreme engagement with what is happening on their device, exhibiting intense emotional responses, and ignoring surroundings
- Frequently deleting and restarting social media accounts
These behaviors apply both to students who are victims of cyberbullying and students engaging in cyberbullying, and can be one of the first signs to parents that some form of intervention or discussion is needed.
Warning Signs Your Child May Be Bullying Others
Recognizing whether your child is engaging in bullying behavior can be challenging. According to the American Psychological Association, parents should watch for these warning signs:
| Warning Sign Category | Specific Behaviors to Watch For |
|---|---|
| Behavioral Changes | Aggressive behavior at home, frequent disciplinary actions at school, unexplained new belongings, or money |
| Social Patterns | Friends who bully others, increasing competitiveness, concern about reputation or popularity |
| Emotional Indicators | Difficulty accepting responsibility, blaming others for problems, lack of empathy for others’ feelings |
| Digital Behavior | Secretive online activities, multiple social media accounts, and strong reactions when device privileges are limited |
What Causes a Child to Become a Bully?
If you’ve observed behavior from your child that has you asking, “Is my child a bully?,” fear not. This doesn’t reflect who your child is as a person, and it doesn’t make you a bad parent. There are many reasons why a child might engage in bullying behavior that don’t have to do with the content of their character or their family’s values.
So what causes a child to become a bully? Research from the National Institute of Mental Health identifies several contributing factors:
- Imitating others. Sometimes bullying is part of a school’s classroom culture, and your child might be copying behaviors they’ve witnessed from others. This can even mean that your child may have previously been bullied themselves, so it’s worth broaching the subject with them. In any case, speaking to your children about what they witness when they see bullying, how they feel about it, and how to avoid behaving like a bully can be game-changing for kids who are acting out.
- Pushing boundaries. Some children push the boundaries of their peers and adults to see how far they can go. This is when consequences can be important, as they set parameters for what is and isn’t acceptable. In fact, many children who like to provoke others are actually seeking the reassurance that rules and regulations provide, meaning it is helpful to them to see what isn’t allowed.
- Lack of awareness about differences. Sometimes young people engage in bullying behavior without understanding the depth of how their words and actions might affect people. This is especially true for issues of difference, whether in regards to race, gender, sexual orientation, or religion. As a parent, it’s essential to educate your child about why bullying others on these topics can be so harmful.
- Lack of attention. Some students bully their peers to try to get attention from adults, and in fact, sometimes are responding to feelings of not being seen in their home lives. As a parent, this is a sign that you may need to carve out more time to make sure your child feels heard.
- Siblings. If you have several children, keep an eye on how they treat one another, especially when they think you aren’t watching. Bullying can have a ripple effect: if one of your children witnesses bullying at school and replicates it toward their sibling, the sibling can go on to bully others around them. Ensuring that your children treat each other kindly will reinforce that behavior in the outside world.
These are just a few examples of what causes a child to become a bully. Understanding the root cause is essential for effective intervention.
What to Do When Your Child is the Bully
When thinking of solving the issue of bullying, we tend to focus on the experience of bullying victims. This is for good reason, as they often have immediate and long-term needs that need the attention of parents, teachers, and counselors. However, it’s also imperative that those looking to confront the issue of bullying look to the needs of kids who are bullies as well, as they are often experiencing inner turmoil that is expressing itself as hostile behavior toward others.
If you’re wondering, “Is my child a bully?” and you see that the answer is yes, it can be hard to know what to do next. On the one hand, as a parent, it’s imperative to make it clear to your child that behaving in a way that is abusive or hostile to others is unacceptable and will have significant consequences for them. On the other hand, simply penalizing children for bullying doesn’t necessarily root out the underlying issues and feelings that caused bullying in the first place.
There are ways that parents can enforce a zero-tolerance policy about bullying while continuing to create a supportive environment for their child to address their mental health needs. For more resources and approaches to helping children who have been bullying others, read on.
Supportive Actions
Bullies are still young people, and though they may behave in ways that warrant disciplinary consequences, it’s important that they also receive help that is supportive and empathetic to their needs. From family and friends, it’s essential that they still feel loved and cared for, even if they have misbehaved. Oftentimes, those who bully feel misunderstood, judged, and excluded, and harsh punishment and condemnation from authority figures can only increase that isolation. The compassionate intervention of authority figures is a meaningful way to help combat the feelings of alienation, anger, and malice that lead some young people to lash out against others.
Indeed, providing supportive and corrective resources for students who are bullies can make a world of difference not only in changing their immediate behaviors but also in improving their long-term mental health as well. Studies have shown that students who bully others have a higher likelihood of engaging in violent and risky behaviors in adolescence and beyond.
Evidence-Based Intervention Strategies
| Strategy | Description | Expected Outcome |
|---|---|---|
| Open Communication | Create safe spaces for honest discussion about feelings and behaviors | Increased emotional awareness and empathy |
| Clear Consequences | Establish and enforce consistent boundaries and expectations | Better understanding of acceptable behavior |
| Positive Reinforcement | Recognize and reward kind, inclusive behaviors | Increased prosocial behaviors |
| Professional Support | Engage with counselors or therapists specializing in child behavior | Address underlying emotional issues |
Anti-Bullying Resources for Parents
If you’re asking, “Is my child a bully?,” there are many resources to help you figure out what’s best. There are excellent government programs and nonprofits dedicated to stopping bullying and helping parents, teachers, and counselors identify it in the first place.
Some of the most notable anti-bullying campaigns include the US Department of Health and Human Services’ StopBullying.gov, the educational campaign “Stand for the Silent,” and the anti-bullying organization Stomp Out Bullying. The PACER National Bullying Prevention Center also provides comprehensive resources for parents and educators. These are excellent resources to consult for learning how to take control of the situation.
When to Involve a School Counselor or Social Worker
If your child is acting out and your own efforts to help them have not been effective, it’s time to consider bringing in a school counselor. This can also be a helpful way of monitoring how your child is behaving at school. If you are wondering “Is my child a bully?” and can’t confirm whether or not they are, this can also help you get to the bottom of the issue.
A school social worker is likely to ask about how your child is behaving at home and if they might have had recent experiences that would lead them to act out. They may also help you identify certain behaviors to be aware of. If you want more insight into how your child is socializing, what you can do to help them, and what causes a child to become a bully in the first place, bringing in a school counselor can be an excellent source of assistance and support.
Consider seeking professional help when:
- Bullying behavior persists despite home interventions
- Your child shows signs of depression or anxiety
- There are sudden changes in academic performance
- Your child expresses thoughts of self-harm or harming others
- Family relationships are significantly strained
Additional Resources for Prospective School Counselors
If you want to make a difference in preventing bullying, becoming a school counselor is a career path worth considering. Now is a great time to become a school counselor, with the US Bureau of Labor Statistics reporting an anticipated job growth rate of 5% for school and career counselors by 2033. For more information about the degree requirements for school counselors, take a look at our Counseling Social Work Degrees Guide here.
For more information about careers in child mental health, take a look at our Social Work Career Guide and our Child Welfare Social Work Programs Guide. Additionally, those interested in clinical practice should explore our guide to becoming a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) .
Frequently Asked Questions
What are the main warning signs that my child might be bullying others?
Key warning signs include aggressive behavior at home, getting into physical or verbal fights, having friends who bully others, receiving frequent disciplinary actions at school, and showing little empathy for others’ feelings. Additionally, watch for unexplained new belongings or money, which could indicate that they are taking things from other children.
How should I respond if I find out my child is bullying someone?
First, stay calm and avoid overreacting. Discuss specific behaviors with your child, explain why bullying is harmful, and establish clear consequences. Work with school counselors to develop a plan, increase supervision of your child’s activities, and consider professional counseling to address underlying issues. Focus on teaching empathy and appropriate ways to handle conflicts.
Can children who bully others change their behavior?
Yes, children who bully can definitely change their behavior with proper intervention and support. Early intervention is key. With consistent guidance from parents, teachers, and counselors, children can learn empathy, develop better social skills, and find healthier ways to express their emotions. Professional therapy may be helpful in addressing underlying issues that contribute to bullying behavior.
What role do schools play in addressing bullying behavior?
Schools play a crucial role through prevention programs, clear anti-bullying policies, and intervention strategies. School counselors and social workers can provide individual counseling, facilitate restorative justice practices, and coordinate with parents to create comprehensive behavior plans. Schools should also foster a positive climate that promotes respect and inclusion for all students.
Should I contact the parents of the child my child is bullying?
It’s generally best to let the school facilitate initial contact between families, as they can provide a neutral setting and professional mediation. If direct contact is necessary, approach the conversation with empathy, take responsibility for addressing your child’s behavior, and focus on working together to resolve the situation rather than being defensive.
